Cari Silver aka Caz, Cazmin, Cari.

Role In Portnoy: Vocalist and has been known to tinkle the ivories occasionally.

D.O.B: Whatever day it was that Kurt Cobain shot himself and sometime in the 70s......only joking....April 4th, 1976 (i hope).

Hair: Black, not vulcan style.

Eyes: Brown.

Height: 4'1".

Favourite food:Cheese and pickle sarnies.

Favourite drink: Wine.

Favourite saying: "la la la".

Background: Born in Africa, Cari was actually once black. Like Michael Jackson, years of reconstructive surgery have turned her into the woman we see today. During this surgery, Cari also had a glass of wine and a fag surgically attached to her left and right hands, making things, as she put it, "easier". The sister of Pete the drummer, Cari has often wondered whatever possessed her to hang around with 4 teenage boys, 3-5 years her junior. While the rest of the band still found the word 'willy' funny, Cari was contemplating complex questions such as "why am I here?" and "what the fuck are we doing?". A wild child in her youth, Cari lost her virginity in a swimming pool to a rasta, which the rest of the band still find amusing despite having found this out over 7 years ago. Possessing an angelic voice, she joined the band to replace Richard Allen as lead singer in 1995 after it became quite apparent that he could not sing. She keeps things sane in the band and actually makes us do work. It is rumoured that she was actually able to entice Pies to show his willy for the meager amount of 10 quid, well worth the price if you ask me. Was last seen doing no work for Computer People in Edinburgh.

Leo Batchelor aka Pies, The Ies, or anything involving the syllable 'ies'.

Role In Portnoy: Lead Guitar / Main Songwriter / Little Bit Of Singing

D.O.B: August 15, 1980.

Hair: Brown, quaffed.

Eyes: Blue with orange tint.

Height: 6'.

Favourite food: Chocolate body paint.

Favourite drink: Whisky, Boddingtons.

Favourite saying: "C'mon guys...no don't...no..no...awwww...not footba...c'mon....please?"

Background: Pies was born to an italian porn stud and a waitress who lived in rural oxford. Living a normal childhood, Pies was diagnosed in his early teens with the medical condition known as "fingerus maximus penisus", or in layman's terms "penis fingers". Although crippled by this infliction, Pies used it to his advantage realising that 11 penises are better than 1. He would entice unsuspecting women back to his home wearing little more than a codpiece, chesthairpiece and a gold medallion, all the while motioning with his penis fingers. His conquests soon became the stuff of legend, and some say fantasy, but wherever Pies went, women would swoon. His sexual prowess was doubled when, at the age of 14, he bought a guitar and learnt to play. Despite coming close to orgasm everytime he touched the strings of the guitar, Pies developed this into a guitar playing style that one critic called a "fantastic flurry of falic fingers." Pies is the main songwriter in the band, and the creative driving force, but he never forgets his roots. He recently recalled his early days with a london paper where he was quoted as saying, "so, your place or mine?" iiiiiiieeeeeesssssss. Last seen somewhere in Glasgow.

Richard Allen aka Richy, Rich, Ballen, Uncool Ballenegger and 'The Man' (yeah, that's right you heard me ya punks).

Role In Portnoy: Rhythm Guitar / Vocalist / Major US Senate Geeza.

D.O.B: October 16th, 1979.

Hair: Brown.

Eyes: Blue.

Height: 6'.

Favourite food: Burgers.

Favourite drink: Almost anything.

Favourite saying: "How does that song go again?"

Background: One of the original 3 members of Portnoy, he is probably the least original member of the band. Losing any musical talent that he might have had at boarding school, Richard struggles to keep up with talk of 'chords' and 'intonations', and what is this 'harmony' thing everyone keeps talking about anyway? The early days of Portnoy saw Richard and Pies exchange blows over almost anything from "i'm trying to tune" to "i'm trying to tune again", but recent meetings of the band have seen less of that. The co-author of one song, Richard sits joint second with Cari and Pete in the list of band members with songs acredited to them. Is easily enticed by footba' and computer games, but can get down to business if it is really necessary. Anyway, this author has to go eat some chinese food for someone's birthday. Last seen, Washington DC.

Pete Silver aka Wootoo, Metee, or Pete.

Role In Portnoy: Drummer / Sound Engineer / (a little bit of dj-ing, soon to happen).

D.O.B: October 15th, 1980.

Hair: Black, vulcan style.

Eyes: Hazel.

Height: 5'11".

Favourite food: Spaghetti with ketchup.

Favourite drink: Anything.

Favourite saying: "Footba" "A Booch Booch iiiiieeeesssssss".

Background: Pete claims to be Scottish but was actually born in England making him English. Despite living on nothing more than milk and tomato ketchup from birth until the age of 15, Pete found enough energy to play the drums in the band. Coming from a humble background of playing the buckets and a dog tin, he went on to become a prolific drummer stealing everyone elses drum beats and incorporating them into Portnoy songs. Probably the quietest one of the band, but in recent years has come someway out of his shell and seems to be engaging in some kind of race with Pies to see who can bed the most women, very childish, this author certainly wouldn't engage in such behaviour. In the early days of the band, Pete refused to drink, but on one fateful night he discovered the joys of bacardi breezers. However, it appears that drinking with the band is a dangerous occupation for Pete as it appears that he has been nominated as the person to urinate on when really drunk, although no one told Pete. Asked about the recent rumours that the band has had some internal rivalries in the past, Pete was quoted in Melody Maker as saying "huh? footbbaaaaaaaaa!". Last seen in Edinburgh.

Alex Bozic aka Boz, Bozzie-Boo.

Role In Portnoy: Bassist / Piano / Synths / Any Keyboard Instrument / Drug Dealer.

D.O.B: Unknown.

Hair: Different colour every week.

Eyes: Blue, one moves independently of the other.

Height: 6'.

Favourite food: Anything.

Favourite drink: Anything.

Favourite saying: "Howay, fookin'", "Get in ma belly" and "Awww...shite..i forgot me bass but i've got a bag of speed."

Background: Boz was found under a rock eating bugs by a passing stranger somewhere in the North East of England in the early 1980s. Unable to locate his parents he was adopted by a swamp monster and his mum. Growing up in Glebe, Boz was introduced to the rest of the band at boarding school. He soon made a name for himself when he ate what would have been the sixth member of Portnoy (kinda like the 5th Beatle). After leaving boarding school, Boz was faced with the only two choices left to someone from the North East of England: Grind your way through school and get a menial job at 18, or, do shit loads of drugs and try and set yourself up as a dealer. Boz chose the latter. After realising that the drug plan might not be working, he went back to what Geordies do best, pounding metal with their bare fists. As a band member, Boz is one of the most gifted musically. Although the best song he has written to date contained such lyrics as "your mother is an alien/your dad smells of shit/i've been to the eiffel tower/but i've never had a shower", Boz hasn't been daunted by the success this has brought him, playing a sold out secret gig to Mac the dog, Morven and the rest of the band. I hear that the moment was actually captured on film. Asked by the NME about his role in the band, Boz replied, "band? what band? howay, fookin', can yas scab us a tab for me and me maaaatttteeee?". Last seen near the Galleries, Glebe.